further down a path

Most nights, just before bed. The lights and telly off. A couple of candles, the blinds tilted and the only unnatural lights are filtered through the blinds from the street. I've been using up the leaves that came with the plant: two or three, and I get one or two inhalations from them.

Always, there's a brief but marked rise in body temperature, and perspiration. Sitting outdoors would be pleasanter. And always this is accompanied by a perception of greys and browns and a swirling sensation. Images will rise up from the greys and browns like life coming from earth, and the same colour as the earth: once, a giraffe with a criss-cross pattern; another night it was a petulant, beautiful little girl, with big eyes and an old fashioned overcoat, angrily kicking the ground.

Last night I used up the last of the free sample of leaves - broken scraps mostly now, so probably there was more than the usual two or three leaves. This was to be the end of the beginning.

Three tokes, the middle one I sensed was really strong. I began to sweat a lot. Swirling, and the boundaries of the curved flight were important: I was being urged on, but was aware of a male presence in the room that wanted me to stay. Another part of my consciousness knew that I was alone in the room and should follow. As always, it's a familiar experience. "Top Cat" was here, with his friends. And a five pointed star, again, toy like but hanging in space. And echoes of my Grandma's house where I often stayed when I was a child in the 60s. And curves, cartoon technicoloured. One shape - the radiator grille of some fantastic car, perhaps? - which was really important, but which I couldn't exactly place. Throughout, there was a gentle pulling, mostly at my face and shoulders.

As always, I knew when to open my eyes, and to sit quietly for a while. I thought back to Grandma's house and remembered details of the smell (she worked in a chip shop!), the carpet on the stairs, the very temperature of the place... Maybe the link is street lights. There's an anachronism, though: I would have stayed at that particular house between the ages of 7 and 12; whereas the images: Top Cat, the star, and the colours and sensations, all, I feel, date back to much earlier, pre-school days.

There's a definite but almost intangible effect on me now. Not intangible, (again, one struggles for vocabulary here). I'm less depressed, have a reduced thirst for alcohol, I'm less irritable. Balanced, say. Focussed. Improved. And it works in the way that most herbs do: gradually, almost imperceptibly.