To Aid Digestion And Put A Song in Your Heart

What you do, if you're in a situation where you can't get wine, is this:

1 Get a 20 litre plastic container - a bit like a jerry can; a funnel; 4 feet of tubing (the sort used for calor gas is usable, though a bit clumsy); washing up liquid; six litres of grape juice (preferably sans additives), ten litres of water; a little less than a kilo (800 grams to be exact) of refined sugar; a small teaspoon of dried baker's yeast. All of these things can be found almost anywhere in the world. That's the point.

2 Wash the tube, funnel and container in the washing up liquid, and rinse them thoroughly.

3 Warm two litres or so of the water on a stove, add the sugar, stir it until it melts in. Funnel it into your container. Add the juice and the rest of the water.

4 Previously, you'll have added the yeast to a half a cup of luke warm water, (so if you put your little finger in, it feels neither hot nor cold). Stir it. After ten or fifteen minutes, it should froth up. Add that to your container.

5 Put the top on and give it a fair old shaking.

6 Put the container in a warmish place: say, 20 - 30C.

7 Half unscrew the top - the idea is to let it breath - the fermentation process will give off gas. But fermentation will almost certainly attract vinegar flies, who'll do exactly what their name suggests if they get to your brew. The little bastards.

8 After 24 hours, less, the process will start. Froth will appear on the liquid; if you put your ear to the open top of the container you should hear a noise reminiscent of Rice Krispies.

9 BE VERY CAREFUL of vinegar flies if you take the top off entirely, especially in a hot country - they'll be lurking in the vicinity ready to dive kamikaze style into the container if it's opened. They then lay eggs which produce bacteria which turns wine to vinegar. Strange but true.

10 Agitate the mixture slightly every day or so. The fermentation reaches a high point after a week or so, and dies down within two weeks - roughly speaking.

11 When initial fermentation's stopped, siphon the brew into smaller containers (1.5 litre, 5 litre, it's up to you now), which have been carefully washed of course. The agitation caused by this transfer may mean fermentation will recommence, and more gas will be given off, so don't completely tighten the tops of your new containers for another week or so.

12 After that week, hey hey hey! It's drinkable now, but time will improve it. Chilling it will also help. Cheers!